As we traverse the final weeks of Lent before Holy Week, I have found myself
in the room of self-knowledge with a ever-widening magnifying glass which
underscores the deep reality of my sins, wounds and failings in increasing clarity.
Of course, this is a gift as God brings such interior distortions to light in order to heal them and increases my humility and sense of child-like dependence upon Him. By His grace, I have been able to bring several of these to Confession this Lenten season and rejoice for that! At the same time, I find myself in my sometimes melancholic temperament getting weighed down with such realities and ruminating over my own lack of correspondence to His Divine grace, and over the difficulties in overcoming some of these challenges and short-comings in my life. I begin to doubt and my faith flags as I wonder how all of this can be resolved especially in the reality of my daily life. I get on a hamster wheel of negativity in questioning God, doubting myself, and blaming others for what I see here. This lack of surrender and prideful power-tripping taints any semblance of humility within, disturbs and frustrates my peace, and causes even more shame and guilt. And so begins the process all over again. I find that the enemy is ceaselessly at work in his dialogues with me and I am exhausted in how this is playing out in this Lenten desert.
This seems to be what the Desert Father Evagrius Pontus speaks of in his book Talking Back, where he explains that the devil attacks our thoughts as an initial battlefield for supremacy and to try to sow a spirit of confusion and despair. We must resist it and use the Divine Words of Scripture to do so. He suggests that for those that suffer from the demon of sadness that we quote, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Have faith in God, have faith also in me" [John 14:1]. And for one who feels tested beyond his strength, "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" [1 Cor 10:13].
St. Teresa of Jesus speaks of resisting such thoughts by going into the room of self-knowledge frequently, where one is given deeper levels of understanding one's failures and resistance to cooperate with Our Lord's grace, but also where one is given the knowledge of God's greatness. This allows one clarity in seeing who one is, but also lucidity in knowing who God is and encountering His Divine attributes of mercy, love, omnipotence and omniscience. As we grow in self-knowledge, we are hopefully growing in knowledge and love for God. True humility is being able to see who one truly is in a spirit of peace, gratitude, and praise, while simultaneously recognizing God's Grandeur, Generosity and Divine Love for us even in our littleness.
One afternoon this past week, I was pondering certain situations and continuing this interior dialogue as I finished some errands. I was lamenting some challenges in my life. In the midst of this, I walked into the grocery store and headed for the produce department. I was looking for a few items for vegetarian chili in a smaller grocery store with a more limited selection. As I wandered about looking for fresh cilantro, a friendly somewhat disheveled older woman began to strike up a conversation with me. She was sharing how completely delighted she was in discovering that they had fresh mint in little bundles that had just arrived! She gave me a toothless grin and began to rejoice in the many ways that she loves mint- in her iced tea, with fruit, and other assorted recipes. Her eyes glimmered as she told me about how mint reminds her of spring, and the smell invigorates and refreshes her. This lovely woman was very enthusiastic about mint and her zeal was contagious! As a lover of Andes chocolate mints and mint glaze on lamb, I began to think about how truly awesome mint really is and what a blessing it is to be able to come into a store and have it available to take home and provide a fresh flavor to various dishes. As she continued speaking with me and helped me look for the hidden location of the cilantro, I knew that Jesus was speaking to me through her!
My spirit was aware of His call for me to come out of myself and to encounter Him in the little things, and through a spirit of child-like delight, wonder and gratitude. It was obvious from appearances that this woman's life had not been an easy one, and yet here she was expressing such profound joy in the availability of fresh mint. Beyond her soliloquy about fresh mint, this woman had such interior freedom in encountering others that she not only helped me find the missing cilantro that we eventually found on a high shelf, but also assisted another customer who was wondering which avocados to purchase. The longer I spoke with this lovely lady and observed her, the more beautiful she became. Her face revealed the radiance of her spirit and her attitude of gratitude filled her surroundings. I felt blessed to encounter this special woman, and I knew that Our Lord was teaching me a very important lesson about the linkage between humility and gratitude, and about not getting bogged down by my own plentiful failings and difficulties, but instead looking up to the One who rescues and saves me and makes a way for me.
What an excellent opportunity for me to get out of my darkened thoughts and back to the basics of praise and thanksgiving! The Catechism of the Catholic Church tells us that 'every event and need can become an offering of thanksgiving' [CCC# 2638]. This is built upon Jesus' example, and the words of St. Paul that teach us to 'Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you' [1 Thess 5:18]. The Catechism further develops praise as a form of prayer that 'lauds God for his own sake and gives him glory, quite beyond what he does, simply because HE IS...Praise embraces the other forms of prayer and carries them toward him who is its source and goal: 'the one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist' [1 Cor 8:6] [CCC#2639]. Indeed, all is gift and an opportunity to love God, others, creation and myself amidst my poverty. The joys and sorrows of life, the blessings and Cross all are transformed when I become little and experience awe and delight in how God loves me and reveals Himself to me even amidst my brokenness and that of the world.
I recently learned that the Tribe of Judah means 'praise' and this tribe always preceded and led the other tribes of Israel during their journeys and in times of battle with song, jubilation, thanksgiving, and worship. This was believed to honor God most profoundly and to call upon His Divine Presence in their daily lives. The importance of such praise is remembered in the recitation of Morning Prayer in the Liturgy of the Hours as we start our invitatory with Psalm 95 which acclaims:
Come let us sing joyfully to the Lord;
Let us acclaim the rock of our salvation;
Let us greet him with thanksgiving;
Let us joyfully sing psalms to him. [Ps 95:1-2]
Wow! These are the first words to pass from my lips in the morning,
when meeting the Lord. Like the tribe of Judah, my heart is to sing his
praises for Who He Is, and rejoice in His Holy Name, HIs Merciful Heart,
His grandeurs, power, beauty, goodness, truth, and all the other Divine
attributes that He shares with me every day despite my weaknesses.
What good news indeed that amidst my transgressions, that He meets me there
in the room of self-knowledge and lifts me up as a child onto His lap!
The necessity of praise and thanksgiving as the first posture of my heart helps me to rightly order my interior life. Yes, the room of self-knowledge and humility is absolutely central and key to my sanctification, purification and growth, but it is to be done with a song in my heart,
a hum of praise and thanksgiving upon my lips, knowing who I am in my complete littleness, under the shining rays of light of His Merciful Love, and in taking heart in knowing who God is and how He delights in me, meets me where I am at, and runs to place His ring upon my finger and the robe upon me as His prodigal daughter.
I am so grateful for my little surprise rendezvous with my dear sister at the grocery store this past week! Her thanksgiving for the small things, her beautiful smile and kind eyes will always be with me in teaching me about the importance of going beyond my sins and Crosses in life to a place of gratitude and joy. As a result, these past few days when tempted to complain or enter some of that darkness within, I have found myself thanking God for mint which refreshes the body and soul, and for the small and big people and things in my life that bless me deeply and profoundly. I have been able to raise my mind and heart to God in a spirit of praise and thanksgiving, and then entrust all of my needs to Him knowing that 'the Lord is good, His mercy is everlasting, and his truth endures to all generations' [Ps 100] and to not be anxious about my sins, 'but in everything with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God [Phil 4:6].
Got mint?
