Ascending the Secret Ladder with St. John of the Cross

JMJT! Praise be Jesus Christ! Now and Forever!

The image of Jacob's Ladder has been coming up frequently in prayer of late. This rich symbol is one that has been used to describe the spiritual journey amongst many theologians and mystics throughout salvation history.  The symbol is taken from a dream given to Jacob while traveling to marry one of the daughters of Laban.  This journey  follows the surreptitious paternal blessing he had received from his father Isaac through trickery which rightfully belonged to his twin brother Esau.  The Genesis account tells us that at the setting of the sun, Jacob put a stone under his head to sleep. Thereafter, "he dreamed that there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it! And the Lord stood above it."  There it is that the Lord  extends the promises already made to Abraham and Isaac to Jacob that his descendants shall be numerous as the dust, and vows, "I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to the land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have spoken to you" [Gen 28: 15]. 

It is interesting that in Hebrew the term for this ladder is sullam and is very particular to this one passage in the Old Testament.  In Hebrew this term is spelled Samech Lamed Mem.  Samech is a prop or means to support, twist slowly, to turn or to assist.  Lamed is pictured as a shepherd's staff and means to control, urge forward, or to have authority. Mem is related to cleansing living waters that can come down like a gentle stream or a treacherous tidal wave.  This ladder is seemingly the means by which God's revelation and promised blessings flows down to Jacob. This term is used only one other time in all of Scriptures, and that is when Jesus recognizes Nathaniel who sat under the fig tree. Jesus speaks directly to Nathaniel's inner soul by telling him, 'I saw you sitting under the fig tree'.  In other words, I know you intimately through and through, so much so that I know that you are an Israelite "in whom there is no guile."  Nathaniel is astounded and recognizes Jesus as the Son of God...the King of Israel.  Jesus responds, "Because I said to you, I saw you under the fig tree, do you believe? You shall see greater things than these...Truly, truly I say to you, you will see heaven opened, and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of man"  [Jn 1:50-51].  By using this imagery, Jesus deepens its meaning by suggesting that He is now the ladder to heaven.  He reveals His core identity as "the way, the truth, and the life" and that "No man comes to the Father, but by me" [Jn 14:6]. Indeed, Jesus is the gate that leads man from earth to our Abba in heaven. 

Since early Christianity, many writers have utilized this holy symbol to denote the spiritual journey.  Perhaps one of the most well-known is the classic The Ladder of Divine Ascent or The Ladder of Paradise by St. John Climacus who wrote this treatise in about 600 AD for religious monks seeking perfection in the spiritual life. He describes 30 rungs upon this ladder that represent the 30 years of Jesus' hidden life on earth, and the necessary development of the virtues upon each rung as one ascends.  It warns of the many temptations and sins that can assail the soul when seeking union with God, and the need for detachment, silence, practicing asceticism, and casting out the seven deadly sins and replacing them with the virtues and perfections of Jesus in order to avoid falling off of the ladder. 

Fast forward to the16th century, we find St. John of the Cross pouring out his poetic soul concerning the sublime mysteries revealed to him during contemplative prayer through the profound sufferings of the Cross comingled with goodness, beauty and truth. In The Dark Night, he describes the passive dark night of the spirit as experienced,

    In darkness and secure,

    by the secret ladder, disguised,

    - ah, the sheer grace!-

    in darkness and concealment,

    my house being now all stilled.

In his commentary on this stanza he goes on to describe the secret ladder as dark contemplation or wisdom.  He explains in Book Two, Chapter 18:1-2 that 'by this secret contemplation, the soul ascends in order to plunder, know, and possess the goods and treasures of heaven...as the same steps of the ladder are used for both ascent and descent, so also the same communications produced by this secret contemplation extol the soul in God and humiliate it within itself. Communications that are truly from God have this trait: They simultaneously exalt and humble the soul. For on this road, to descend is to ascend and to ascend is to descend, since those who humble themselves are exalted and those who exalt themselves are humbled...God in order to exercise the soul in humility, usually makes it ascend by this ladder so that it might descend, and he makes it descend that it might ascend."

This ladder of contemplation is therefore a science of love with successive deeper degrees of charity. It consists of 10 ascending steps which lead to divine union with the Lord.  It includes the following successive degrees on the mystical ladder of love:

1st step: Love makes the soul sick in the sense that it becomes unable to find satisfaction, support, consolation, or a resting place in anything" outside of God.

2nd step: This step causes a person to search for God unceasingly and centers all upon the Beloved in its desire to see the Face of God.

3rd step: This degree of love enflames the heart to perform spiritual and corporal works of mercy, and find themselves lamenting their inability to give God what He deserves, so immersed they are in their impoverishment.  One is free from presumption and judging others, and gains courage in continuing to ascend further.

4th step: The spirit has an inflow of great energy to serve the Beloved without counting the cost, and is freed from seeking consolations or other satisfactions in God or elsewhere. The soul seeks to suffer for God for His sake and is quite detached from all creatures.

5th step: There is an impatient desire and longing for God to such an extent that the soul finds itself languishing and "faints for the dwelling places of the Lord"

[Ps 84:2].

6th step: The soul runs swiftly toward God and experiences many touches of Him. It runs without fainting due to this intense hope within. The soul's burning eros is so strong as to enable it to seemingly "take wings like an eagle and fly and not faint" [Is 40:31].

7th step: God imparts to the soul an ardent daring enabling these souls to obtain from God whatever petitions lay upon his or her heart. One must be cautious to not become arrogant, demanding, or presumptuous but always to remain in a posture of humility to prevent falling.

8th step: The soul is impelled by love to lay hold of the Beloved without letting Him go. St. John of the Cross tells us this can be compared to the bride in the Canticle who proclaims, "I found him whom my heart and soul loves, I held him and did not let him go" [Sg 3:4] or like Daniel whom God instructed to "remain on your step, because you are a man of desires." [Dan 10:11]

9th step: This rung causes the soul to burn gently in and for God. 

10th step: This love assimilates the soul to God completely because of the clear vision of God that person possesses upon reaching it.  These persons do not go to purgatory but instead become like God and rest in His beatific vision.  All goods are shared and the soul enjoys spiritual marriage with the Divine Bridegroom.

How to Ascend this Ladder

While pondering the mystery of how one can spiritually prepare and ascend this ladder of love and contemplation, I was brought back to a memory of my early childhood. I always loved water and had no healthy fear of it to the dismay of my parents. When I was about 5 years of age they enrolled me in a swimming class at the large public pool near our home in Ohio.  It was the last day of class and I had been eyeing the high dive. I was absolutely enthralled and mesmerized by its huge platform that sat high above the blue waters of the deep end, seemingly beckoning me to climb it and dive off.  It was the last day of class and I expressed my desire to plunge off the high dive, and was shockingly given permission to go up, being assured from my instructor that he would await my jump in the deep end of the pool.  [I am doubtful that this would be allowed today! I see a lawsuit written all over this!] At any rate, I began to climb the rungs of the ladder leading up to the platform. A couple of times I hesitated, but then continued on my way with determined determination and excitement. As I approached the very top of the ladder, I looked down and suddenly became deathly afraid. I began to shake as I realized how far up off the ground I was now.  I felt absolutely terrified and was seemingly paralyzed to move.

The instructor tried to assure me to keep going but I just couldn't.  He came up the ladder and assisted me by holding my trembling hands the rest of the way up to the top. As we stood there on the platform, I was in total awe over where my little body was standing, and the view I was taking in.  I simultaneously felt exhilaration and overwhelming dread. I was instructed to hold onto the instructor's back and he would jump off with both of us into the awaiting deep waters. He counted to three and then we went plunging into the abyss of the pool. Wow! What an experience of trust, risk, child-like desire, and fortitude!

This story illustrates something that came to me on All Saint's Day, when the Holy Spirit made me realize that the saints are my personal Sherpas who assist me on my ascent of Mt. Carmel. They point out the treacherous falls and temptations that will lead me to fall off the ladder altogether, and warn me of dangerous side trails, and hidden cracks and crevices along the way.  They assure me with words of encouragement and affirmations that I can climb this mountain with God's grace when I experience profound fear while engaging in this ascent. They also provide belaying ropes that aid in preventing and minimizing falls, regaining balance and maintaining some friction on their end to enable me to continue climbing. These initial safety ropes include such aids as prayer, the Sacraments, Scripture, and mortifications. At the same time, I am invited to let go of all other attachments, strings and ropes that keep me earth-bound. Eventually, even some of the spiritual goods are forfeited, as one is invited to free climb without ropes by sheer dark faith, hope, and trust in a spirit of ever-increasing and burning love and desire for union with God in radical nakedness.  Anyone who has ever scaled a steep mountain appreciates that you must travel lightly and just bring the essentials. Such is the situation during such a precipitous climb. One just has to let go in child-like trust and confidence as I did on the diving board all those years ago. 

At this point, one might be shaking their head in disbelief that such a treacherous conquest can be undertaken, much less achieved!  As my closest dear Carmelite sister exclaims, "Lord, I feel like I am ascending Mt. Carmel wearing stiletto heels! I need help!" The good news is that not only do we have the Communion of Saints to assist us as personal Sherpas on this dramatic hike, but we have our Mama Mary who as Queen of the angels and saints is often compared to the ladder itself as she connects heaven and earth and shows us how to increasingly love with ever-deeper degrees of charity.  Just like the place of Jacob's ladder dream was subsequently named 'Bethel' which means 'house of God', so Mary as the Theotokos, who was the tabernacle housing the Messiah. She was the means by which Jesus descended, and therefore assists us in ascending the ladder back to Him.  She helps us to know when to descend and go into the room of self-knowledge in a spirit of docility and humility, and when to stand up and lift up our heads [Lk 21:28] and continue the long climb upward and onward with hearts burning within for God alone in prayerful abandonment.

Our Lady of the Ladder of Paradise See https://immaculate.one/mary-of-the-day-august-3-our-lady-of-the-ladder-of-paradise-noto-siracusa-sicily-italy#.Ybj6yb3MKM8

Finally, my last thought is that Jesus tells us that He is always with us until the end of time and that He will not leave us orphans.  Even though the Divine Bridegroom is known for playing hide and seek during this last demanding ascent of transforming prayer, His promise is that He dwells within us and accompanies us on  this vertical climb as the Gate, the Door, and the Way to the Father even when we cannot perceive Him.  Just as I have previously envisioned myself tethered to Jesus while going spelunking into the abyss of the cave of my heart, I now see that I am tethered to Jesus Himself in ascending such a steep incline. 

While living out the spirit of St. John of the Cross, St. Therese discovered that 'The elevator which must raise me to heaven is your arms, O Jesus.' By remaining little, detaching from earthly attachments, and cultivating the deepest degrees of love through the radical practice of faith, hope and love in prayer, she was able to ascend the rungs of this ladder.  As one increasingly desires the Beloved, one is impelled by love to lay hold of the Beloved without letting Him go. The bride  proclaims in this same impassioned spirit, "I found him whom my heart and soul loves, I held him and did not let him go" [Sg 3:4]. Let us remember that He goes before us and leads the way up this ladder.  He is truly our sullam - our support, our staff, Our Good Shepherd and the Source of Living Waters who slakes our thirst. He is our safety, our surety, our refuge and our rock as we ascend to this final tranquil place of beatitude. Let us ask for St. John of the Cross, one of our personal Sherpas, to assist us  and intercede for us in climbing this divine ascent and living out these ever deeper degrees of love. Amen.

   

Tears as Wellsprings of Grace

JMJT! Praise be Jesus Christ! Now and Forever!

Today we celebrate the Memorial of Our Lady of Sorrows in which we commemorate the many sufferings Our Lady endured upon giving her fiat and becoming Theotokos.  Traditionally, her seven sorrows or dolors consist of the prophesy of Simeon that a sword of sorrow would pierce her heart; the Holy Family's flight into Egypt as political refugees; the losing of the Child Jesus in the Temple area; the Way of the Cross; the Crucifixion and Death of Our Lord Jesus; the Descent of Jesus from the Cross; and the burial/entombment of Jesus. One can only dimly understand the intense sorrow that Our Lady must have experienced at seeing her beloved Son and long-awaited Savior of the World rejected and suffering from the time of His infancy until His dying breath in order to set us free from our sins, limitations and transgressions. As the Immaculata, it is certain that her capacity for sorrow was heightened and the depth and breadth of these sacrifices more keenly understood as the Timeless Woman who was hailed as being "full of grace."  Her eyes, ears, mind, hands and heart were in a perpetual posture of openness and receptivity that enabled her to receive the mystery and love of God in the purest sense possible in her humanity.  Blessed Mother could feel deeply in the fullness of each of these distressing events as they unfolded due to her purity of heart and her sensitivity to all  things pertaining to God, others, and herself, and in her vocation as wife of St. Joseph and mother of Jesus.

In our human experience, we can perhaps relate in our own smaller ways to the Our Spiritual Mama's sorrows as we experience the daily tragedies, disappointments, destruction, discord, and brokenness within our own hearts as well as as what we see in our families, communities, country and the greater world.  We see the hurting hearts of humanity and can only imagine the immense sorrow that Our Lord and Our Lady continue to feel as they witness how lost  Abba's children have become upon the journey of life and how we pierce the Sacred Heart of Jesus and cause Him such sorrow and pain.  Pondering such tristesse can cause us to feel overwhelmed, perhaps even verging upon hopelessness, as we wonder how such sorrows can be resolved and when we will be able to enjoy the heavenly banquet when God "will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passes away." [Rev 21:4]

I want to look at these inevitable sorrows of our lives through the lens of tears, which are the body's way of cleansing the heart and spirit of the anguish we experience in our lives. On a neurobiological level, there are three types of tears known as reflexive, continual, and emotive or psychic. The first two ensure that noxious chemicals and irritants are flushed from your eyes and that they remain lubricated.  The third type of psychic tears are structurally different on a molecular level and contain neurotransmitters with natural opioids that ease and numb the pain associated with tears of sadness.  How fascinating it is that in Hebrew, the word for tears is dema or dimah which comes from the root word dalet (meaning door or pathway), mem (meaning water), ayin (meaning eyes). One can go even further than this in noting the correlation between the following Hebrew words:

   - Adam [man]; adama [ground]; dam [blood]; adom [red]; dema [tears]

This suggests that we were created for the capacity to cry, and just as we shed blood when we have experienced physical pain, so we shed tears with spiritual and emotional pain indicating an injury to the soul.  This literally means that our tears are "blood of the eyes". 

This speaks of vulnerability and a profound offering of the very center and core of one's being that are released and offered when crying.  Our Lady of Sorrows' tears were clearly expressing the deepest center of her Immaculate love, motherhood and femininity. Her maternal tears were as an offering to the Father that expressed the most fundamental suffering of her soul as she watched the sorrows predicted by Simeon unfold over time and which freely flowed to be collected in the palm of God's Hands..  

In The Eternal Woman by Gertrud von Le Fort, she speaks of this inevitable grief in a mother's life and as experienced by Our Lady in being the Mother of the Christ Child. "Every mother's destiny is, in the last analysis, the unending renewal of the pangs of giving birth. To give life to a child means fundamentally that the child detaches itself from her life...There is no loneliness on earth like that of a mother; she is not being parted from some other loved one, but the sword that pierces her heart separates her from her own flesh and blood."  [p.99] Fulton Sheen develops this further in The World's First Love by explaining that love is inseparable from sorrow and Our Lady would taste many tears due to her perfection in living out this love. 

Therefore, such tears are never wasted but are instead like precious pearls that shine before God.  They nourish the earth for a future time of bloom and harvest. Time again this release of tears from the heart reaches the throne of heaven and is transformed into deeper intimacy and healing. God tells Isaiah to communicate to Hezekiah, "I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears (dima-teka). I will surely heal you. " [2 Kgs 20:5] and we are reassured by the Psalmist that God  "delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears (dimah), my feet from stumbling"[Ps 116:8] and that the Lord has even placed our tears within his bottle [Ps 56:8].

This is why it is essential that we mourn and weep. Jesus Himself assures us that "blessed are those who mourn and weep, for they shall be comforted." [Mt 5:4] Indeed, our bodies and spirits are made for it. Tears heal our souls and touch the compassionate Heart of God Himself.  If we plug up our emotions and sorrows causing these interior fountains of heartfelt sadness to become frozen, we become stuck and stymied. We are unable to move forward in trust amidst the sorrow. We become bitter and resentful amidst the transformational and mysterious power of the Cross in our lives.  Just as an infant cries when in need as one totally dependent upon his or her mother (or father), so we as needy supplicants cry out to God in union with our Celestial Mother and Queen for relief.  The  power found in such cries of the heart become potent reminders of our utter dependence upon God, and can move mountains and the very Divine Will and Breath of God.  In such moments, our utter helplessness meets God's omnipotence, His merciful Heart, and HIs Divine Provision to provide for us as children.  This spiritual reality has been noted among one researcher who shares his stunning findings that, "prayer is the adult manifestation of infantile crying" and that the brain's neural activity is similar between one and the two. [See House of Weeping https://www.sbl-site.org/assets/pdfs/pubs/9780884143512.pdf].

This release from the bowels or our being can become pools of lifegiving drink and living waters, to such an extent that the Eastern Church holds the charism of the gift of tears as expressed in prayer to be the highest spiritual charism as it signifies a baptism or rebirth in the Holy Spirit.  It indicates a softening of the heart and an openness and receptivity to receive and accept the gifts that Our Lord holds for us in every situation.  It is an infusion of grace expressed in our teardrops that communicates profound love for the Holy Trinity, and it transforms our sorrows, failings, disappointments, and fears into a quiet joy and abiding with the Lord and an oasis within the landscape of our souls as we continue our pilgrimage on earth.  Our tears are little baptismal fonts that bring us to the fountain of God Himself.  The Virgin Mary teaches us how to surrender into the profound sufferings and sorrows of our lives, in order for them to be transformed and transfigured into the Resurrection and our own rebirth moments.  By embracing the sorrows, we continue upon the path of the Paschal mystery in our lives. We appear naked and vulnerable before God and others, and this enables new possibilities, vistas, and doors to be opened.

We share in Our Lady's sorrows today as we remember her dolors and the excruciating pain she must have felt in seeing Jesus misunderstood, mistreated, and finally fully rejected to the point of becoming the Lamb of God slain upon the Cross for our sins and transgressions. Amidst this almost unimaginable tragedy is the quiet knowing that her tears throughout all these events were as childlike prayers to the Lord that were received by Him, and which moved His Heart of Compassion and Mercy to new life for all of humanity.  Such is the case with our own tears, as we cry out "Jesus" and "Abba, Father." He listens to our cries, He collects our tears, and He comforts us. Through our tears, He draws us to Himself upon the Cross.  Such heartfelt tears are then never wasted but become a wellspring of grace. So let us embrace them as they roll down our cheeks and water the interior gardens of our souls. 

Ascent to the Cross, Our Only Hope

JMJT! Praise be Jesus Christ! Now and Forever!

This reflection was first published with the Oxford Centre for Applied Carmelite Spirituality Lent 2021.

God's Creative Beauty

I must admit that I am enamored with birds. Their beauty, effortless flight, graceful movements, and melodic calls and warbling captivate my attention and stir my soul upward with their ascent. When I watch them, I taste an interior freedom and desire to glide in the wind, with carefree abandon.  God has spoken to me many times of what it means to hope and enjoy true freedom of spirit through these feathered friends.

^{Several years ago, I watched transfixed during one early morning hike as the sun rose in the east over the dusty desert mountain-tops of Arizona, and two ravens circled overhead, cawing to one another while carrying straw in their black beaks for nest-building. To my delight, they began swooping in patterns and loops.  With my eyes wide and my mouth agape, I observed in amazement as the two began to perform pirouettes and somersaults in the sky like a circus act on a trapeze! I thought I might need a bit of coffee to clear my head, but there they were continuing their performance as if starring members of Cirque du Soleil.  To say that I was mesmerized by such antics would be an understatement! It was a spectacle that I shall never forget, and enamored my spirit to that primal desire to fly, if not physically than at least spiritually.}

^{More recently, on a recent hike through the mountains, a red-tailed hawk caught my attention as he glided in the wind above our well-hewn trail in a graceful freedom that was absolutely breath-taking. He captured my attention, and I yearned to join this majestic bird in a free-flight of spirit. What would it be like to just glide effortlessly through the clouds and gaze upon the earth with a literal bird’s eye view?  The Lord whispered interiorly that He desires to grant this wish of my heart, but to do so requires a letting go of all that weighs me down.  He reminded me of what St. John of the Cross says, “The soul that is attached to anything however much good there may be in it will not arrive at the liberty of divine union. For whether it be a strong wire rope or a slender and delicate thread that holds the bird, it matters not, if it really holds it fast; for until the cord be broken the bird cannot fly.”} 

^{The Dynamics of Hope}

^{Hope has an ascending dynamism which has led it to be compared to a bird. Emily Dickinson penned “Hope is the thing with feathers” to suggest just that:} 

^{Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul}

^{___ that sings the tune without the words}

^{___ and never stops at all.}

^{The dove on Noah’s ark brought back a sign of hope with the olive branch carried in his beak, indicating that dry land was within distance and God had kept His promise.  Even the mythological bird of the phoenix dying amidst fire and ashes, to then experience renewal and rebirth is a story of hope.  So how much more is the Cross of Jesus Christ, Our Savior and Redeemer suspended above the earth, who as the cosmic eternal source of all hope invites us to lay down our attachments, egos, and baggage in order to be free to fly with Him in the fullness of life?}

^{We are told in The Catechism of the Catholic Church that hope is a theological virtue, “by which we desire the kingdom of heaven and eternal life as our happiness, placing our trust in Christ's promises and relying not on our own strength, but on the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit. Hope is an aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man [CCC 1817-1818.] Hope is such a strong desire based upon faith that it serves as a catalyst for our activities and purifies them towards the Kingdom of heaven, opening one’s heart in expectation of eternal life. Hope is so powerful that it is not only a theological virtue, but a form of eros or desire for ultimate union with Our Triune God which holds the ultimate purpose for every human being.  Such upward arrows of hopeful desire [eros] are found in various forms of goodness, beauty, and truth, and are expressed as urgent longings that lift us up in flight with the Holy Spirit like a bird and carries us towards the Eternal.}

^{The Lord affirms that the gift of hope and the desires of our hearts anchored upon faith are indeed pleasing to Him and come from the Spirit. St. Paul tells us just that in Romans 5:3-5 “we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and this hope does not disappoint us, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit.”  Such hope is the fruit of trial and perseverance, which then takes flight to something desired but not yet seen. [See Heb 11:1] How fitting, when we examine the root meanings of hope in English and Hebrew.   In late Old English the root word for hope [hopa] refers to "confidence in the future," especially "God or Christ as a basis for hope.”  It also denotes an "expectation of something desired;" along with "trust, confidence; wishful desire."  Interestingly, the word for hope in Hebrew (Tikvah), means not only expectation but also a cord or rope, from a root word that means to bind or to wait for or upon.}

^{So when we cooperate with the Lord’s grace in severing the last thread here upon earth in order that we can be free to fly with Our Beloved, we anchor ourselves upon the Cross and tether ourselves to our First Love.  We no longer place our trust “in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save” but instead turn to the Lord, who remains faithful forever [Ps 146], and who has known us before we were born, knitting us together in our mother’s womb [Ps 139]. For it is the Lord who promises us, “I know the plans I have for you…, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope [Tikvah] and a future.”}

^{Jesus expresses His deep desire for this flight to take place when He tell us, “When I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw everyone to myself.” [Jn 12:32] This magnetic drawing of us towards Himself upon the Cross suggests that all the extraneous disordered attachments of our lives -the false masks and identities, ego, material possessions, deformed memory, intellect and will, must be placed in His Precious Wounds and die with Him right there, where all of it falls to the ground and becomes a burnt offering.  Just as the wheat can only bear fruit when it has fallen to the ground, so must we be willing to leave it all behind, for it to be burned away and for fruitfulness to occur.}

^{The Wound  of Love}

^{This delicate surgery is performed using the precise instrument of the Cross. These are the moments we dread- when not only can we not fly, but sometimes cannot even crawl.  We are like birds with broken wings and plucked feathers who are immobilized as unexpected illness, an untimely death of a loved one, grief over a loss of job, dreams deferred, relationships ruined wash over our wounded bodies and souls. Even the simple expectations that we had been counting on are incinerated as the mundane and unfulfilled gaping holes in our hearts are exposed. As we are stripped and begin to lay these situations down one by one, we find ourselves lifted high upon the Cross, united with Jesus Crucified.}

^{The more we battle and struggle with Him, the more our wings become injured. Conversely, the more we surrender and entrust ourselves to Him with the cords of hope that cling to Him and His Cross, the more liberated we become.  With such cords we begin to build a nest on the altar of the Cross just as the swallows do [See Ps 84:3], in hopeful expectation of our ultimate freedom and wholeness. We cry out in groanings and lamentations with the Psalmist,}

Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness;
in the greatness of your compassion wipe out my offense.
⁴ Thoroughly wash me from my guilt
and cleanse me from my sin.
¹² A clean heart create for me, O God,
renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹³ Cast me not away from your presence,
nor deny me your Holy Spirit. [Ps 51: 3-4,12-13]

^{As we abandon ourselves more fully in humility to this purification process, hoisting the rope of hope upon the four corners of the Holy Cross, the more weightless we become.  We encounter the holy kiss of the Cross where merciful love and faithfulness embrace and justice and peace kiss. [Ps 85:10] The Cross becomes a lever of freedom, the wounds of Christ a shelter and refuge as we unite our sufferings with His own. United with Jesus on the “marriage bed” of the Holy Cross, we lean into the Crucified Christ and unite our wounds with His own where this sacrificial love becomes a fruitful rebirth in a springtime of renewal and hope.}

^{The Hope of the Cross}

^{One somber morning on Good Friday, my daughter and I were walking to a Rosary rally to pray with our bishop for life. I was startled when I spied a tiny ruby-throated hummingbird seemingly dead next to the sidewalk. I was deeply saddened as I have always had a special love for these little creatures, and encounter them as little signs given to me of Our Heavenly Father’s Divine Providence, His healing, protection and the movement of the Holy Spirit. I wanted to gather it up and take it home to bury it, but we decided to stop afterwards to do so. After our prayer, we proceeded to walk back, and I was stunned by my discovery! The hummingbird no longer appeared dead upon the ground, but was now alighted upon a branch and began to energetically gather nectar in his proboscis beak with wings aflutter. I was absolutely astonished when I later learned that the hummingbird is a sign of resurrection, and that it sleeps in a state of torpor during which its body temperature plummets in order that it can protect itself and regain its energy. Although it is near death, it rises again to continue. And so it is with our own lives in the deepest recesses of our souls, along with our hopes, dreams and desires.}

^{This is the power of what Jesus promises each of us today and every day, “Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, there also will my servant be” [Jn 12:25-26].  Let us therefore cry out with the Bride in the Song of Songs, “Draw us Lord, and we shall run….Lift me up, Lord, upon the Cross and bind me with your cords of love, and we shall fly.”  Then we can boldly proclaim, Ave Crux Spes Unica - Hail to the Cross, Our Only Hope.}

My Mosaic Heart re-formed and healed in the Sacred Heart of Jesus

JMJT! Praise be Jesus Christ! Now and Forever!

What a glorious Feast Day today is as we celebrate the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus! It calls to mind the tenderness and love that emanates from Jesus' Heart and the blood and water that flows forth in a torrent of Divine Love that invites us to receive, to say 'yes' to His overtures, and to bathe in those purifying waters.  

I know that Jesus is constantly drawing me ever close to Himself and beckoning me into increasing intimacy with Him. Nonetheless, I find that at times I recoil from His palpitations of love by responding in the spirit of St. Peter, "Depart from me Lord, for I am a sinful woman."  Recently, I experienced my complete brokenness and sheer inability to love as I ought or desire to.  I found myself face to face with my limitations and poverty opining that, "I do what I do not want to do." It seemed that my feminine genius was completely shattered and the tiny pieces that once comprised my identity as mother, daughter, sister and bride were obliterated in a span of a short weekend into a disordered heap upon the floor. 

There was no quick fix nor self-actualized solution to be had. After the initial shock of seeing what had transpired in my family and my own role in it, there was nothing left to do but bring all of these jagged pieces to the feet of Jesus for Him to recover what was lost and make more beautiful that which was now disfigured and scattered. Just as broken glass can be heated at high temperatures in order to become malleable and enable one to reshape and remold it, so my heart required a reconfiguring of sorts. I asked Jesus to pick up these broken pieces and to heat them in the furnace of His Sacred Heart where the impurities in my own heart could be removed and my identity could be renewed and reclaimed to reflect His designs upon my heart. 

I was also aware that Jesus was lovingly asking me once again for ever-increasing degrees of surrender and letting go of my need to control.  He was inviting me into HIs Sacred Side where His Sacred Heart was pierced and blood and water gushed forth as a shelter and bath where I can repose and let Him decide what my feminine genius looks like and how the mosaic montage of my heart is formed, the colors it is comprised of, and the patterns that it makes.  It was an opportunity for me to hand over all of the little and big pieces of my heart and allow the Divine Artist and Healer to make it new and beautiful in His perfect time and way.  In the dismantling that was allowed to happen, God had bigger plans to restore, renew, and reclaim me for Himself.  This is an ongoing process which I entrust to Him.

This reordering of my heart reminds me that Jesus desires to infill all of our wounded hearts with Himself.  Instead of trying to hide my weaknesses in a variety of inauthentic ways, Our Beloved Savior wants me to allow Him into these vulnerable spaces and places within to fill these crevices with His Mercy, Love, and kindness.  In a sense, by embracing my incapacities in humility and trust and giving Jesus access to my flawed and pocked heart, I have been strengthened and become more fully authentically myself. My false masks and disordered expectations of myself and others are being removed as I am able to exercise more fully and genuinely my true identity and feminine genius. 

In closing, I offer this poem that I wrote to encapsulate this ongoing process of forging my own mosaic heart in the furnace of the One who loves each of us infinitely and eternally. I pray that it may be a source of meditation for exploring the beauty of your own mosaic heart that is being beautifully rendered by the Lord.

My Mosaic Heart

Shattered shards of glass

Scattered and strewn along the dusty dirt road of life.

Sharp edges sink into the earth,

while other jagged pieces poke out 

to cut and wound.

Splash of tinted colors

Obscured by mud, awaiting the rub of hope,

Leading to translucence.

Jade specks muted;

Rose-colored fragments crying out in desperation;

Blue bottle necks gasping for 

mouth to mouth resuscitation 

in adoratio.

The dark resin of sunflower-dolloped slivers

lying amongst emptied perfume bottles once filled with

the fragrance of prayer,

the sweetness of the aromas of incense

rising up to God no more.

Lachrymatories spilling tears

Splashed into the gaping earth,

watering the arid desert, 

Soaking into the moaning cosmos.

Divine Gatherer collecting assorted puzzle pieces 

of my story into Paternal Palm,

Bathing and cleansing in Living waters

Drying with fire breath of the Spirit

in the Divine Furnace of His Emblazoned Heart.

Mini Meditations on Corpus Christi

JMJT! Praise be Jesus Christ! Now and Forever!

There are a few thoughts that have been percolating within recently regarding the gift of the Holy Eucharist, especially after reading Bread that is Broken by Wilfrid Stinissen, ocd and studying the recent Apostolic exhortation written by Bishop Olmsted of Phoenix, AZ entitled Venermur Cernui-Down in Adoration Falling.  

There are so many things to ponder. I will share with you some deep questions that I keep praying on:

1. Am I allowing the Eucharist to truly transform me deeply, completely, in every area of my life? Stinissen writes in his book mentioned above that, "The bread and the wine represent the whole cosmos, but first of all ourselves, who are to be transformed...God is the great Transformer. But He transforms only what we give him."  Am I holding anything back? Where do I still have a 'Do not enter' sign, while the Lord continues to knock at the door of my heart? Do I allow my ego, plans, and very self to become crushed grapes and wheat in order to be transformed and offered to God and others?

 

2. Upon receiving this gift and allowing increasing degrees of interior transformation [hopefully], am I becoming food for others?  Am I nourishing and nurturing others on their journey? Am I a source of healthy energy, movement, light, life, growth and strength? St. Leo the Great said, "For the effect of our sharing in the body and blood of Christ is to change us into what we receive. As we have died with Him, and have been buried and raised to life with him, so we bear him within us, both in body and in spirit, in everything we do."  I must continue to ask myself if I am offering myself as meal for others in the spirit of Jesus Christ. 

3. Fulton Sheen tells us, "We become like that which we gaze upon. Looking into a sunset the face takes on a golden glow. Looking at the Eucharistic Lord for an hour transforms the heart in a mysterious way."  We begin to resemble what or who we spend time looking at.  Couples begin to look increasingly alike over the course of their years spent together as they gaze into one another's eyes.  As they encounter each other face to face entering into their beloved's  shared reality, they gift each other with their presence in a spirit of compassion and empathy whether it be in silence or conversation.  They begin to reflect one another, mirror the other's smiles, expressions, body language, eyes, and even wrinkles.  And so it is with Our Eucharistic King. The more we gaze upon His Eucharistic Face, the more we increasingly resemble Him. Am I placing myself before Him without any masks, seeking to be fully spiritually naked before Him and more deeply discovering Him every time I come before Him?

4. In adoration [in adoratio] am I mouth to mouth with Jesus, as the root word suggests? Is there an exchange of breath, a receiving of His life force, a kiss between Jesus as the Lover and myself as the beloved?  Am I allowing intimacy, closeness, and depth in the relationship?

5. Am I a paten for Our Lord Jesus to lay His weary head? Even amidst my many weaknesses, do I offer myself as a place of support for Jesus who is so cruelly treated and remains unknown and misunderstood?

5. Can I offer myself as an empty chalice for Christ to pour Himself into in order to receive the water of His humanity, mingled with the wine changed into "the crimson blood of love, and lifted up in sacrifice."  [Reed of God, Caryll Houselander]  The emptier the vessel that I become, the more He can fill me and increase my capacity to be His vessel of Divine Love and Mercy.  By surrendering to this, He can mold me into a Christ-bearer, a walking tabernacle giving birth to Christ in the world. 

These meanderings of reflection questions are presented to encourage your own Eucharistic adventures with Our Eucharistic Lord and all the ways that He wants to reveal Himself to you as Bridegroom in the sacrament of the Altar.

In closing, I just found this beautiful poem written by St. Therese that captures some of these very desires.  Here are just a few of the stanzas :

My Desires Near Jesus Hidden in His Prison of Love .

At each daybreak I envy you,
O Sacred Altar Stone! As in the blessed stable,
On you the Eternal One wants to be born ...
Ah! Deign to grant my prayer.
Come into my soul, Sweet Savior ...
Far from being a cold stone,
It is the sigh of your Heart!

O Corporal surrounded by angels!
How enviable is your lot.
On you, as in his humble swaddling clothes,
I see Jesus, my only treasure.
Virgin Mary, change my heart
Into a pure, beautiful Corporal
To receive the white host,
Where your Sweet Lamb hides.

Holy Paten, I envy you.
Upon you Jesus comes to rest.
Oh! may his infinite grandeur
Deign to humble itself even to me ...
Fulfilling my hope, Jesus
Does not wait until the evening of my life.
He comes within me; by his presence
I am a living Monstrance! ...

Oh! how I envy the happy chalice
Where I adore the divine Blood ...
But at the Holy Sacrifice
I can take it in each morning.
To Jesus my soul is dearer
Than precious vessels of gold.
The Altar is a new Calvary
Where his Blood still flows for me ...

 

Eastertide & Mercy Flow

JMJT! Praise be Jesus Christ! Now and Forever!

Easter season is a time of special graces as we celebrate the ultimate Good News that Jesus is risen from the dead, and that all of humanity and creation has been redeemed. Alleluia! Alleluia! 

As I contemplate the profound mystery of this Theo-drama, one word keeps coming to mind. FLOW.  I pondered this veiled recurring theme that kept showing up everywhere I went. My husband was unaware of this interior dialogue and mystery stirring within me and started telling me about a new business related book he was reading. He shared, "Yeah. It's about flow, you now? Like being in flow." It has indeed been a long time since I earned my MBA and worked in the corporate world, and I truly had no idea what he was talking about.  He then began to explain this concept and compared it to being "in the zone", where time and space seemingly cease and you are one within yourself and in what you are doing.  The official definition in the secular world is described as a state of mind in which a person becomes fully immersed in pursuing a goal or an activity. While in this mental state, people are completely involved and focused on what they are doing and perform at very high levels due to an intensive focus and awareness. 

This reminded me of a recent conversation I had shared with a group of fellow Carmelites.  One member holds tremendous musical talent. She commented that she has experienced rare moments when she has become one with the music and everything just begins to flow in an effortless, seamless and harmonious way. She described it as if one is on the outside looking in at something that is beyond human ability and all time stops.  In such moments there is a convergence and an ebb and flow that is otherworldly. We can certainly observe this at times with professional athletes who are like poetry in motion, or when artistry exudes from an individual or group that raises one's awareness and sense of possibility to a higher plane of existence. Perhaps we have experienced such moments in prayer when God's Divine Presence is so infused that everything around us seems to disappear. 

All of these examples of flow ultimately point upward towards God. They elucidate the gifts that He has given certain individuals, but perhaps more importantly these moments serve as a reminder of Our Lord's call to each one of us to enter into His Trinitarian Divine Love that flows without ceasing or hindrance between the Three Divine Persons, and beckons each of us as His children to partake in this free flow of love.

If we look at divine patterns it is filled with the divine flow of God's blessings and graces and our responses to it.  From the very beginning of creation, we encounter this flow as the ruah breath of God hovering over the waters and the Word and Breath comingling to create in love. Divine Love is flowing through all of Creation and between humanity and God before original sin.  All is in harmony and nothing is discordant.  After the Fall, such divine flow is still present, but is not as easily accessed in our brokenness.  Nevertheless, God is constantly promising flow to His Chosen People- that He will bring them to a land flowing with milk and honey [Num 13:27].  The prophets assure the Israelites that God intends to restore them and will make peace flow like a river [Is 44:3], that "the hills shall flow with milk" [Joel 3:18],and that "justice will flow like water and righteousness like an unfailing stream" [Amos 9:13].  These promises of flow are expanded upon and made permanent by the final promise spoken by Our Lord Jesus that "He who believes in me, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living waters" [Jn 7:38].

Jesus is the ultimate exemplar of Divine flow. He descended to earth in the flow of the Divine Will and incessantly refilled His cup in the domestic church of the Holy Family in His Sacred Humanity. Simultaneously, He enjoyed ongoing union and communion with the Father and the Holy Spirit who operated His life and to whom he gave His moment by moment fiat.  In the Gospels, Jesus is attentive, intentional, and fully present in His words, mighty works, and prayer.  His ultimate sacrifice upon the Cross is Divine Flow as He surrenders into the Will of the Father and placed all in His hands.  He lets go of everything in an ultimate act of kenosis by emptying Himself completely.  Even His blood and water flowed freely from His pierced side as a final act of flow as He birthed Holy Mother Church and released the fullness of Divine Mercy and redemption through such intentionality.  

We encounter God's Divine Flow as the First Mover, and then are invited to respond and imitate this dynamism and surrender.  Interestingly, St. John of the Cross speaks of the dark night of the soul leading to contemplative prayer as an inflow of God's grace towards transformation and purification of the soul.  This outpouring of Divine Love is received as an inflow of contemplative gifts couched in holy darkness which trickles into the soul as it begins to let go of the attachments, personal idols, and silos that divert it from loving attentiveness towards the Source and summit of all.  It is as a hidden spring that proceeds in silence undetected towards this fount of plenitude.  This is the beginning of the wellspring of contemplation that flows and run where the heavens and the earth drink, and satisfy their thirst... [Kavanaugh, K. Poem #8:3, 10 p. 59-60].

If we desire to be in perpetual flow with the Lord, I propose a 4 step process to prepare our hearts to be ready to receive His movements and invitations. They are as follows:

FLOW

F: Follow in Faith. Flow is not about force or about figuring it all out.  We are not called to chart our own path or be self-sufficient, but instead to follow Our Good Shepherd who leads and guides us and to be attuned to the voice of the Holy Spirit. Following requires humility and recognizing our need to be life-long learners and students of the Lord. When we resist we cannot follow or receive the promptings of flow. 

L: Listen and Lean: Listening is the disposition of a disciple and requires silence. This means taking breaks from the incessant noise around us and planning technology fasts as needed to recalibrate the ears of our hearts.  While listening for the still small voice of the Lord, we want to lean into the Father, the Vinedresser.  Our Father knows every hair upon our heads, just as a vine-grower knows every vine in his vineyard. He knows every nuance and trait, our personal histories, and every strength and weakness within us.  We can lean into the Father's love as our Abba who desires to hold us, comfort us, and bring us to a place where we are in flow with His Trinitarian love and all of creation.

O: Offering: Being in flow requires a full and total offering of oneself to God. To flow freely in His Divine Will and Spirit is to welcome Him with open hearts and empty hands in a posture of pure receptivity.  This means presenting every aspect of our lives to the Lord...every nook and cranny.  This includes our identity, our hopes and dreams, professional and educational pursuits, vocation, financial concerns, sexuality, our masculine/feminine genius, strengths and weaknesses,  sins and failings, all of our relationships, memory, intellect, will, and the gifts we have been given through His generous hands. We can ask ourselves, "Are there any areas that I am holding back in offering to the Lord?" He waits for you and I. 

W: Wait: Flow is about movement, but we do not get to control the pace or timing of such dynamism. Scripture tells us that the Father and the Son are always at work with the Holy Spirit, and that He makes all things beautiful in their time.  It is important to recognize that even tiny imperceptible movements can be flow, when we are freely consenting and cooperating with where the drift of His elan wishes to take us.  There is high tide and low tide, seasons of rushing of waters as well as trickling, sometimes barely perceptible, dewdrops. 

By following in faith, listening and leaning, openly offering, and waiting we can enter into the breath flow and life force of the Holy Spirit and receive His gifts and fruits. We can engage in life with eyes of wonder and gratitude in all the ways that He is beckoning us to take a holy adventure with Him. We can flow in our daily lives with Him indwelling within us and enter into a serenade of love with God, one another and all of creation. 

FLOW

F: Follow in Faith

L: Listen and Lean

O: Offering

W: Wait